I have always loved the passage in Genesis 32 where Jacob wrestles with God. As a teenager, I was always struck by Jacob's determination not to let the man go unless he blessed him. I wanted to be that person – knowing what I wanted and not giving up until I got it. Then, a couple of weeks ago, an Anglican clergy friend of mine mentioned the passage as being the reading for that Sunday (and made reference to the hymn Come, O thou traveller unknown by Charles Wesley) and I found myself looking once again at the passage. However, this time I saw a different story: I saw a man wrestling not from a place of strength and determination, but from weakness; Jacob is afraid and alone, about to meet his estranged brother who has every right to kill him, but rather than take flight, Jacob fights – fights with the feelings within himself, with his God, and with acknowledging who he is. The story ends with Jacob overcoming (both God and man), but the wrestling does not leave him unaffected.
In this place of fearful loneliness
I must wait,
to face the consequences
of past mistakes
the paths of deception and regret
I’ve walked.
There is no running now
no hiding
from the pain I caused
the brother I cannot repay-
A thousand gifts
could still fall short.
The debt may cost my life.
In this place of overwhelming dark
you find me,
wrestling with my very self
the endless doubts
and questions
of what I’ve done.
Holding on
to hope unseen
wounded,
but never giving up,
You challenge me
to acknowledge who I am,
and embrace my life.
In this place of dawning light
you bless me,
call me by a new name
redefine who I can be,
for I have struggled
and have overcome;
In my weakness
I find strength,
the courage
to limp towards the truth,
Where I meet mercy
running to greet me,
and offer me new life.
